Last night I laid awake thinking about the journey I have taken over the last 30 years. As I quickly approach my 31st birthday I have come to the realization that I have many of the things that make up the American dream but I do not have have the most important thing, love and compassion for myself. As a result of this lack of compassion and love I have decided to take a journey of self reclamation during 2011.
Webster defines reclamation as "the act or process of reclaiming." Additionally the wonderful world of wikipedia states that reclamation is " the process of reclaiming something from loss or from a less useful condition." At this juncture I feel that I am lost. I am in a losing battle with myself and my inability to cope with the stresses of life and myself. I live in a world of black and white. I am all in or all out and this can be a dangerous combination when trying to balance life, love, and sanity.
My greatest struggle has always been my weight. I often feel like I live in a body that does not belong to who I am or who I want to be. I watch shows like the "Biggest Loser" or read magazines like "Oxygen" and see these amazing transformations and want it. But is that the reality? Is it possible? In the recent weeks and after my last cycle of diet and exercise with 13 pounds lost and then a month of binging and emotional eating, to simply regain all the weight, I now know for me it is not the solution. While some people may be able to make chances in moderation, I am not one of those people. I am excessivem obsessive and over focused. When I fall of course I begin to slide and then all of the sudden I am in the exact opposite location of where I was a short period ago. I am unable to break this cycle because I do not listen to my body. I do not feed it when it needs it and I most definetly do not stop when I need to. So today, on the verge of my 31st year I am not vowing to lose the weight, I am not vowing to run another marathon, I am not vowing to start another diet, today I vow to learn to love myself, to be kind to myself, to learn how to deal with myself through other outlets besides food and obsessive activities, I vow to reclaim the person I lost long ago, before the heartache of my sister and find the free spirit I lost as a child when I became focused on my self worth through the image of my body.
I have started this blog as a place to go when I need to vent, to share my thoughts and talk out the discomfort. I am not share it with anyone. I may share it with the world, but it is here for me and that is all that matters.
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