Monday I decided to take the steps to change my life. Tuesday I came to the realization that I hated myself. Wednesday I discovered underlying behaviors of personal sabotage that not only injuries myself but the others around me and today I woke up ready to work on loving myself and being kind. The first thing I did last night was purchase Intuitive Eating for my Kindle. I own the book but I want to be able to have it with me at all times and not have everyone know what I am reading. I fell asleep last night with thoughts of taking care of myself today. This morning I woke up and headed to Walmart to buy some food since we have none in the house. I thought to myself, what do I want to eat that is going to help me take care of myself? I did not want self harming food, I wanted food to keep me energized and healthy for the day. I also did not want to live by strict rules, so today I listened to my wants and they pointed me towards yogurt, bananas, healthy choice lunchable, humus and pita chips. It was amazing to walk into a store and not spend 35 minutes figuring out what I wanted to buy. Wandering aimlessly around the aisles, not being able to decide what I want to eat. I listened to myself and I trusted myself. Next, I signed up for weight watchers again. While money is tight, I need to give myself a place to go for guidance. I cannot afford a nutrionist and my insurance does not cover it, so why not take this chance to take care of me. The plan is not restrictive and will allow me the ability to process through my food issues while having a journal. And finally I am allowing myself the opportunity to break through the walls I have built up and explore the reasons of self-hatred and harm. I have promised my new therapist that I will spend four sessions with him and see how it goes. I think it going to difficult but maybe I will finally get the answers that I have never searched for up to this point.
I never realized until yesterday how much I actually hate myself. How angry I am with myself and how I treat myself like I treats others when I do not get my way. For the past 31 years I have not gotten my way with myself. I have been in a constant battle with myself and the body I live in. When I feel I fail and do not live up to the obsessive and extreme ideals I set for myself, I punish myself and harm myself through food. Taking time yesterday to discuss the times when I used to self harm by trying to break a bone made me finally see the connection that I use food as another way of harming myself. You would never think of eating as a form of punishment but when you look at the traits I have, the patterns of my life, I look to punish and harm myself with food. It is not longer a fuel but a punishment for my lack of willpower and inability to control my own world. I like control. I love control. I want to be in control and when I am not, I lash out. My mother was the brunt of my lashes for most of my life. When I felt out of control, when I could not get my way, I cut her down. I used my words and my expressions to cut my mother down. I wanted to be on top and I wanted her to know who was in charge. I am in the same place today. I cut down my husband. I push him away and he now take the grunt of my anger. I have also pushed many friends away as well. Katie is the prime example of this. I have ruined that friendship and I have to live with that consequence but I can make changes and save the friendships I still have and adore. And when I am not cutting others down I am cutting myself the most. I not only do this through food but I do it through making jokes at my own expense, I grab my fat and make comments to myself about my fat, I make excuses to not go to the gym, I constantly weight myself and make comments, I measure myself, I stare at pictures in magazines of thin models, celebrities, athletes and runners. I dream of their bodies and criticize myself for this body I live in. I get angry with my parents for my body even though I make cute little jokes about my calves. I am just constantly criticizing every part of my body. It Is exhausting.
The journey has just begun and there is a long way to go. I must remind myself of this everyday and in the same breathe I must remind myself that I am deserving of love from myself. I know I am loved externally. I have a support system that has kept me strong and loved for 31 years but now I need to create an internal support system that loves me as much as everyone else loves me.
Sending light and love your way. I understand the hatred, it makes sense when you type it, so here's the deal.....I will continue to remind you that there is enough love around you to pull you through the dark. When the hatred is gone, the love will still be there. .. Find it, no matter how long it takes....FIND IT IN YOURSELF.
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