I sometimes feel like I do not know who I am anymore. Sometimes it feels like I have never known. I feel like I am a vessel of someone trying to figure out who I am but it is blocked by my inability to see past my dislike and lack of love in myself. I know who I think I am and that is not good because they are not great things. There are points of good but overshadowed by the doubt, confusion and lack of love I have for myself. And today on my birthday, all I feel is sad, discouraged and fat. I feel every ounce on my body. I feel weak and disappointed in my inability to control myself. I feel disgusting with how obese I have become and my lack of drive lately. I cannot even get myself to walk. And I miss who I was when I was running but not the running of late, the old runner, the one who did it was freedom and passion. Now I am a calculator. Counting calories. Setting unrealistic goals of 31 pounds in 45 days. It is ridiculous and it is breaking me. I have not been this low in a long time and I am glad I admit it, that I have great friends to support me and an amazing husband but I still have to complete this journey and self-identification on my own. This is the person I think I am and the person I want to get rid of...
1. Fat
2. Disgusting
3. Morbidly obese
4. Uncomfortable
5. Afraid
6. Out of control
7. Sad
8.Disconnected
Tomorrow is my first day of therapy. I just want to start the work. I want guidance and someone to help guide me. I am excited
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